Huh? That’s the highly scientific name for the infamous June bug (namely the one that haunts the northeastern United States). By the way, am I the only person in America who’s terrified of these monstrous insects? The fact that they come out of the night like phantoms and thump against your body is disturbing enough, but when a hoard makes contact with the vinyl siding on my house, the stony snap of misguided projectiles with writhing little legs is downright nightmarish. For the record, they’ve always scared me, and I don’t know why. I remember as a kid scrambling through St. Peter’s baseball field down the street from my parents’ house in Ogdensburg, New York, screeching, “Is it on me? Is it on me? Get if off! GET IT OFF!” And, of course, by then it was no longer a quarter-sized, hard, brown-shelled creature in my adolescent mind, but a heavy, flesh-eating goblin sucking on my Trans-Am t-shirt (it was the ‘80s). The only help I got from my friends was point-and-laugh intervention. The memory still makes me sweat.
Through education, “they” say, we learn not to fear…Well, not a chance; I still fear June bugs, and I’m even a teacher! Oh, the irony…First of all, adult June bugs are about one and a quarter inches in length and make a loud buzzing sound, so you can hear them coming, though you can’t see them. But even more unattractive is the sickening reality that their larvae are two inches long, are thick and white, and have dark heads. These nasty things make cheesy SyFy “original” special effects look good. At any rate, the larvae have legs, too―six of them―that are basically useless, so they flop onto their backs and wiggle around upside down. (This is all true; I did the research.) Talk about a freak show! And if you’re looking to buy tickets, just check out your local compost pile sometime around late spring or early summer…right around JUNE!
From childhood trauma comes a recipe for distress in adulthood. But it’s just a bug, right? In the end, the nightmare wins: I begin to dread June in March, though I know full well that at my house, they always come in May!
FREE STUFF CLAUSE: June bugs give you the creeps? Do you dislike them as much as I do? Hey, maybe you really like the gross critters. Either way, join my “June Bug Therapy Group.” Visit our little soy candle shop at Country Wickhouse Candles, place an order, and enter the phrase JUNE BUG in the “instructions from buyer” box during checkout―or email us the phrase at countrywickhouse@gmail.com after you place your order―and I’ll refund 10% of your total charge. That’s right, I’ll take 10% off your sale and give it back to you! Just don’t tell my wife that I’m giving money away…
This offer expires on June 30th at midnight, the official end of the horrid June bug season! But don’t worry, it’ll be back next June…
Life Smells, So Smile! 